Cult Wars: Neat vs. Nut

The shopping list for the two loafs was surprisingly short. This is definitely economy food. On the left are most of the ingredients for the Neatloaf. I got the recipe for Neatloaf on the internet from someone who claimed to be a former Sri Chinmoy cultist. The box of Special K as an ingredient rather threw me, but several other online sources verified it, so I went with it. Other ingredients included instant soup, tofu, ricotta, garlic, onion, eggs and seasonings.

On the right are the ingredients for the Nutloaf, including mozzarella, celery, pepper, onion, eggs, walnuts, cashews and seasonings. In the center are the shared ingredients: brown rice and tomato puree. (oh, and that's a mirror in the background. Sorry to be visually confusing.)

Round 1: Ingredients: to Prabhupadha, since he didn't make us buy Special K

First I had to make rice and sautee the aromatics for both recipes.

I also had to make a quick tomato sauce for the Nutloaf. I made a sauce for the Neatloaf as well, but the internet author got that one completely wrong, it was nasty. So I used a bottle of barbeque sauce instead, which was much better.

Round 2: Sauce: Prabhubadha. Although the Neatloaf sauce recipe I got was probably just wrong.

The Nutloaf also required grinding the nuts. The Neatloaf, on the other hand, required only mashing the ricotta and tofu.

Next we assembled both mixtures in big bowls, and then put them into loaf pans. For the Neatloaf, it was critical that I add the Special K last and put it in the loaf pan right away so that it didn't completely dissolve.

Round 3: Prep Effort to Sri Chinmoy, with his "throw everything in a bowl" easy assembly.

I then baked both loaves for one hour at 300F. The nut loaf had me cover for the first hour of cooking, which rendered its top pallid and slimy, forcing me to add an extra 15 minutes of browning. Both then cooked for 15 min with sauce. As you can see, the Neatloaf sauce glazed better, possbily due to its sugar content. The sauce on the nutloaf just didn't change color.

Round 4: Appearance: to Sri Chinmoy.

Then I had the issue of how does one get the loaves out of the pans? Slices would just crumble, and turning out the whole loaves means turning them sauce down on the plate, ruining their appearance. I asked my wife, the meat eater, how one usually handles this for meatloaf.

"Beats me. I don't think I've ever actually made mealoaf."

Feh. Fat lot of good being married to a meat eater did me. Eventually I ended up inverting the loaves for lack of a better solution. Next time, I'll use a tin foil sling or something.

Sliced, they both looked ok on the plate (pictured here with broccoli rabe and mashed potatoes).

Round 5: Slices: draw.

So, finally time to taste. The Neatloaf was moist and rich, tasting fatty and breaking up easily in the mouth. I won't say it tasted like meatloaf, but it didn't taste vegan, that's for sure. The Nutloaf, on the other hand, was chewy and nuggety, delivering a package which said "macrobiotic health food." Ugh.

Round 6: Taste and Round 7: Texture: both to Sri Chinmoy.

And .... dah winnah is ... Sri Chinmoy, with his Neatloaf. The new grand champion dead bald cultist meat-replacement chef of da universe!
It also made fine leftovers. Here's the recipe.

• 4 eggs or 1 cup egg stuff
• 2 tbs dry Onion Soup Mix, or similar.
• 1/3 LB ricotta cheese
• 1/3 LB firm tofu (mashed into small pieces)
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup chopped onions
• 1 cup cooked brown rice
• 1 tsp. oregano
• 1 tsp. basil
• 1/2 tsp. rosemary (or 2 tsp minced fresh)
• 3 cups (dry measured) Special K (about 1/3 to 1/2 of a regular box)
• 1 tbs minced garlic
• 2/3 cup good barbecue sauce, plus more for serving

Heat the oven to 300 degrees F. Sauté the onions and garlic.

Beat eggs in a bowl, and then add all other ingredients except the Special K. Mix well and then add the Special K last. Pour into a greased loaf pan.

Bake for 1 hour, then sauce over loaf, and bake for 10 to 15 more minutes. Allow to set 10 minutes before attempting to serve.